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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29432793">The Good in Me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Facialteeth/pseuds/Noteventhat'>Noteventhat (Facialteeth)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Rarepairs [15]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Cuddling &amp; Snuggling, Dark Thoughts, Demon Blooded Jonathan, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Good Jonathan Christopher Morgenstern | Sebastian Verlac, Insecure Jonathan, Jonathan Tried to be Good, Jonathan's POV, M/M, The Academy, dark jonathan, protective jonathan, sweet sebastian</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 03:34:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,461</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29432793</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Facialteeth/pseuds/Noteventhat</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>For a long time, Jonathan thought that Sebastian was just being nice to him to get something from him but at some point, Sebastian managed to convince him otherwise.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jonathan Morgenstern/Sebastian Verlac</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Rarepairs [15]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1915978</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>SHBingo 20-21</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Good in Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_Shiva_Adler/gifts">Miss_Shiva_Adler</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is for Shiva, who was the person who helped me get into this pair in the first place and was so sweet as I was writing this.</p><p>This is also my 'hurt/comfort' bingo square for SH Bingo!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jonathan hated Sebastian. Sebastian, not unlike everyone else Jonathan was forced to be around at the academy, was irritating. He thought he was better than everyone else. When Jonathan would fuck up, Sebastian always found a sly way to rub it in but the difference between Sebastian and everyone else at the academy was that everyone else at this point had learned to leave Jonathan the fuck alone.</p><p>Sebastian never seemed to get the message and no matter what Jonathan did, Sebastian was there somehow, saying something, pretending to be nice, trying to work down Jonathan’s defenses to get at him. He never seemed to realize that it was a lost cause. Jonathan wasn’t going to let Sebastian get anything from him and continually trying to piss him off wasn’t earning the handsome boy any favors.</p><p>That too, was irritating to Jonathan. Sebastian was cute and he knew it. He was so cute that it was almost like he was trying to rub it in. Jonathan was decidedly not cute. He knew it and overwhelmingly, he didn’t care. Caring would imply that it mattered to him how people saw him which was not the case but when someone like Sebastian was so intent on being around him with his adorable, sickening face - Jonathan found himself reminded of just how repulsive he really looked.</p><p>Magic had helped the burns and overwhelmingly, his skin had gone back to normal but there were still some places that had been so scarred that even magic could not touch them. Unfortunately for Jonathan, one of those spots was a pretty prominent patch on his cheek, which would forever be raised and scarred, a visible web of wreckage from his time in Edom before he’d been rescued.</p><p>Most people couldn’t look at him. They’d flinch when they saw his face. They’d look away, uncomfortable but Sebastian never did that. He never flinched. Jonathan never even found him looking at it. It would be nice of him if it wasn’t so fake. Jonathan knew that Sebastian’s lack of a reaction wasn’t because he didn’t find him just as repulsive as everyone else. Sebastian was just good at hiding it. He forced it down and pretended to be unbothered and for what reason?</p><p>There could only be one. He wanted something from him. That’s why he acted so nice to him. That’s why he was there, saving him when a demon nearly came down on his face. He wanted Jonathan to owe him. He wanted to get something from him and Jonathan wasn’t going to let it happen, regardless of how cute Jonathan thought Sebastian was.</p><p> </p><p>The thing is, Jonathan wouldn’t hate Sebastian if he would just stop pretending to be so nice all the time. If he would just tell Jonathan what it was he wanted, Jonathan could turn him down and then, they could both move on. Maybe, just maybe, if Sebastian would just cut it out and show his true intentions, Jonathan wouldn’t hate his presence so much.</p><p>Jonathan didn’t <em>want</em> to hate him but his deception made Jonathan so uncomfortable that he could do nothing else. It unnerved him. For all the horrible things he was, at least he was upfront about what he wanted and he didn’t put on a little show of pretending to be someone he wasn't.</p><p>More than once, Jonathan wanted to snap this at Sebastian but to do so would be to imply that he cared more about Sebastian than he did, which could be dangerous. Jonathan did not care and he didn’t want to give Sebastian any inkling to assume that his little ploy was working. So, every time Sebastian managed to wiggling his way in and find some excuse for them to be around each other for an extended period of time, Jonathan kept his mouth firmly shut, even if he was seething on the inside.</p><p>To say something would be to open a door that Jonathan did not want to open. So, when Sebastian insisted they work together on the new stances they were working on, Jonathan did nothing but nod. He did need someone to work with or he’d fail the lesson but that didn’t mean Sebastian’s haste to work with him was any less irritating.</p><p>They got to work quickly with Jonathan taking the offensive position, forcing Sebastian to fight off his attacks without giving him any real chance to initiate his own. After their first round, Sebastian paused, inclining his head slightly towards Jonathan's place where he stood a few feet away, slightly out of breath.</p><p>“Where’d you learn to be that quick?” Sebastian asked, a slightly laugh in his tone.</p><p>He was joking, Jonathan recognized. He didn’t like that. They weren’t here so Sebastian could joke and try to get under his skin. They were here to train because they had to and that was it.</p><p>“Edom,” Jonathan said simply, knowing that response normally stunned people into shutting up completely.</p><p>Instead, Sebastian merely hummed. “Well, at least you got one good thing out of that place, huh?”</p><p>Jonathan blinked. Instead of stunning Sebastian, he found himself stunned into silence and then infuriated all at once because of it. It was one thing for Sebastian to try to get under his skin. It was another for him to actually manage to do it.</p><p>People didn’t respond that causal when Jonathan mentioned Edom. Even the warlocks and demons Jonathan had met did not react that casually but Jonathan had to remind himself that whatever Sebastian was doing was an act. He was trying to startle him and Jonathan wasn’t going to let him.</p><p>Jonathan lashed out at him suddenly, shoving them both back into training before Sebastian could say another word but Sebastian seemed to know what he was going to do, because he reacted without flinching, meeting Jonathan’s attack with a perfectly composed deflection.</p><p>They continued on like that for a while, Jonathan mostly keeping the upper hand, Sebastian mostly seeming content to fight him off instead of attacking himself. That irritated Jonathan too. No one was content with someone else leading. They always wanted to gain that upper hand themselves but Sebastian didn’t seem bothered by it and Jonathan didn’t know why.</p><p>At last, it was time for them to stop and Jonathan was more than happy to turn away from Sebastian as the clock struck the next hour. Turned away, Jonathan snatched his things off the ground, intent on leaving Sebastian behind before he could speak another word and leave Jonathan to slip and show just how irritated he was by everything Sebastian encapsulated.</p><p>Jonathan spun away and in his haste, he felt his pen slip, dropping to the ground and irritating him even more. It wasn’t the biggest deal. Rationally, Jonathan knew it wasn’t but on top of everything else, on top of the fact that he had to stop and look at Sebastian for another second, on top of the fact that Sebastian had seen him drop it - well, Jonathan was a bit more than furious about the whole situation, even if part of him knew that was somewhat of a complete over reaction.</p><p>Jonathan turned, about to bend down, snatch up the pen and stalk off before he could be mocked for being so clumsy but before he even could, Sebastian bent down, snatched up the pen like it was nothing and then, he handed it to him.</p><p>Jonathan froze with the pen inches away from his hand, until Sebastian nudged his palm with it, forcing Jonathan to take it. For a moment, Jonathan’s breath stilled in his chest. He waited, he wasn’t even sure for what and then, Sebastian smiled a blazing, heavenly smile before he reached out, gently patted Jonathan’s shoulder and said something about seeing him tomorrow before he was simply walking away.</p><p>Jonathan stayed frozen for too long, the pen held limp in his hand. It was stupid. It was entirely stupid to over think such a normal, casual occurrence but Jonathan <em>was</em> over thinking it. It was so stupid. It was such a meaningless moment. Sebastian had saved his life before and yet, this pen made Jonathan stop for a moment and question everything.</p><p>He’d assumed Sebastian has saved his life, so he’d have something to hold over him. It made sense. It was not a small task, saving someone from death. Jonathan would save people if given the chance and not because of some moral compass but because they would owe him later, if he ever needed them for something. It was smart to do so.</p><p>He'd always thought Sebastian was nice to him because he wanted something from him. He thought all those encounters, he’d just been trying to get through to him to get something from him but now - Jonathan closed his hand around the pen as he really thought about it for the first time.</p><p>It was stupid. It was just a pen. It was such a casual thing to do but that was the point. It was a stupid pen and Sebastian has no reason whatsoever to pick it up for him, unless he was just trying to be nice. Jonathan would not be indebted to him because he’d picked up a pen for him and yet, Sebastian had done it without thinking and then, he’d <em>smiled</em> at him.</p><p>It wasn’t uncommon for Sebastian to smile at him but other than him, who ever smiled at Jonathan? Who was the last person that had, besides Sebastian? He couldn’t even remember. It had been too long to recall and yet, nearly everyday, Sebastian bothered him and smiled at him and asked how he was, even when Jonathan snapped at him in return and sometimes, completely ignored him.</p><p>For the first time, Jonathan stopped and he thought that maybe, there was no ulterior motive for him doing that. Maybe… he just wanted to be nice to him. Maybe, he just liked Jonathan for some unconceivable reason.</p><p>Jonathan shoved the pen into his bag suddenly and then, he started making his way across the Academy grounds, towards his room. It was unthinkable that someone would <em>like</em> him. No one liked him and yet, here was Sebastian, handing him a pen he dropped for no reason.</p><p>Jonathan didn’t like that but most of all, he didn’t like that he liked that. He didn’t like that he liked that at all.</p><p> </p><p>Jonathan didn’t see Sebastian until the next day and when he did, he couldn’t help but stare at him. Normally, Sebastian was the one staring, greeting Jonathan to received hardly any response in return but today, when Sebastian walked into the mostly empty classroom (they both liked arriving early, maybe why they’d noticed each other so much to begin with), Jonathan was staring him dead on.</p><p>It must have unnerved Sebastian quite a bit because when he walked in and saw Jonathan staring, he froze for a few seconds, looking confused before he slowly walked forward, eased his bag off his shoulder and taking his normal seat, leaving a polite one chair between them both.</p><p>“Good morning,” Sebastian said finally, looking up as he cracked a soft, easy smile. “Something on my face?” He joked as he reached into his bag to pull out his things and get ready for class.</p><p>Jonathan stared for another beat, responding eventually with a flat, “No.”</p><p>Most would be put off by Jonathan's blunt nature but Sebastian merely chuckled, glancing up at him as he placed his book down on his desk. “So, what then?” He asked at last. “You never look at me before I look at you. I have to fight to get any eye contact from you.”</p><p>Sebastian was joking. His tone was lighthearted but Jonathan was serious. “Why?” He demanded, continuing without prompting when he could tell that Sebastian didn’t understand what he was asking. “Why do you fight to make eye contact with me when I’m so clearly uninterested?” It was rude the way he said it. He knew it was but Sebastian didn’t seem to care too much.</p><p>He merely blinked, seeming to take a second to consider his answer before he responded. “I like you,” he said eventually, his tone as honest as it always had been. The only difference was that this time, Jonathan was listening to him.</p><p>Sebastian shrugged. “I don’t think you’re really as mean as you pretend to be and when I first saw you, I was new. I didn’t have any friends. You sat alone. I just thought you seemed like a nice person to talk to.” Sebastian stared up at him, offering another soft smile.</p><p>“Even if you’re not the most-” Sebastian waved his hand vaguely. “<em>-receptive</em> of my friendship, I think we’re friends right?”</p><p>The truth was, Jonathan hadn’t thought they were friends. He hadn’t once ever thought that. Of course, they weren’t friends. Who would want to be friends with <em>him</em>? And why of all people would someone like <em>Sebastian</em> want to be friends with him?</p><p>The truthful answer that that Jonathan had never thought he could have a friend, so of course he hadn’t considered that Sebastian might be one. Jonathan thought about it and he recognized that maybe, that wasn’t the most considerate thing he could say, especially if he wanted this <em>friendship</em> to continue.</p><p>“Yeah,” Jonathan said softly, moving to grab his own things out of his bag just so he’d have some place to look that wasn’t at Sebastian. Jonathan wasn’t even sure what Sebastian would see on his face if he looked at him right now but given the unnervingly warm feeling that had blossomed across his cheeks and his chest, he didn’t think that it was anything he’d be pleased to have Sebastian see. “We’re friends,” he mumbled and after a second, he realized that Sebastian was his first friend. He was his first friend <em>ever</em>.</p><p>They didn’t get another chance to speak because soon after, class started but later, when Sebastian asked if he wanted to spar together, Jonathan didn’t grumble before reluctantly saying yes, like he normally would.</p><p>He just said yes and that was progress.</p><p> </p><p>After that, they were <em>friends</em>. Jonathan wasn’t quite sure how good of a friend he was and he still didn’t really understand why Sebastian wanted to be friends with him but he’d come to accept that regardless of his lack of understanding, Sebastian did want to be friends. So, they were.</p><p>Eventually, Sebastian stopped leaving an empty chair between them in class and Jonathan did not complain about it. Sebastian stopped asking if Jonathan wanted to be partners because they simply were. People came to expect them together and Jonathan found that he rather liked that. It was nice to have a person people expected him to be around.</p><p>Jonathan had never had that before. It made him a little uncomfortable, if he was being honest but it made him uncomfortable in a good way. Sebastian seemed to have that effect on him quite a lot. With every small indication that they were getting closer, Jonathan found himself thankful and terrified that despite everything he was trying to let himself believe, it was all a trick and at some point, Sebastian would reveal why he really wanted to be around him and what he wanted.</p><p>But as the days went on, Sebastian didn’t reveal any other intentions and even if it made him uncomfortable, Jonathan started to really face that Sebastian didn’t want anything from him. He just liked him. Sebastian just liked him. He liked his company. He liked having him around. He liked studying with him. He liked sitting next to him. He didn’t mind when Jonathan was rude or blunt. He didn’t mind when Jonathan got frustrated about things no one else was frustrated by.</p><p>He was always calm and understanding and no matter what Jonathan did, Sebastian never seemed to fault him for it, even when Jonathan thought he should. It was strange having someone so willing to be around him even when he was difficult. That had never happened before and the more it happened, the more Jonathan felt himself growing attached.</p><p>That to made him uncomfortable. Not having anyone meant he had nothing to lose. It meant that no one could really bother him but with Sebastian around… Well, he had something to lose now and if anyone wanted to get to him, all they’d have to do was go after the only good thing in his life.</p><p>It unnerved him but when he expressed this to Sebastian, through mumbled words, Sebastian simply responded, “Well, if anyone wants to get to you, they’ll have to go through us both now. That’s better than standing alone, right?”</p><p>Jonathan wasn’t quite sure he agreed but it sure did <em>feel</em> better than standing alone.</p><p> </p><p>As they got more comfortable with each other, Sebastian started doing something <em>odd</em>. He started touching Jonathan. Now, Jonathan had never really been a touchy person and that wasn’t only due to the fact that he’d never really had anyone try to touch him before. He didn’t see the point in touching casually. If they weren’t sparring, why would they need to?</p><p>But Sebastian didn’t seem to view it that way. He’d touch Jonathan’s arm, his shoulder, even his hand when Jonathan said something that inadvertently made him laugh. When they sat next to each other, Sebastian would lean into him and press their shoulders together and every time, the touch tingled and lingered on Jonathan’s skin, leaving him thinking about it even when Sebastian had moved away and moved on.</p><p>Then, it grew to be more than that. The soft, brief touches turned into something a little less fleeting. Jonathan found Sebastian’s head resting on his shoulder when they’d sit in the library to study together. He found Sebastian’s hand lingering on his arm, holding his skin instead of pulling away after the brief encounter and he found that he liked it.</p><p>Beyond everything in his nature, everything he’d ever been taught, he liked it and he didn’t mind when Sebastian would fall asleep against him, like he thought he would mind. It felt nice to have someone trust him so much. Sleeping was a weakness, even though Jonathan knew that it wasn’t quite normal to think of it that way. It <em>was</em> though. Jonathan could hurt him so easily but he wouldn’t and the fact that Sebastian knew he wouldn’t touched Jonathan more than he thought was possible.</p><p>Sebastian trusted him. Like everything else that Sebastian did, Jonathan didn’t quite understand why Sebastian trusted him but it was clear that he did and it was an honor that Jonathan did not take lightly.</p><p>No one trusted him. People were nervous around him. Jonathan had heard one of his instructors once murmur that he was unpredictable and that his time in Edom had ‘ruined’ him. No one quite seemed to disagree with that but… Sebastian did. Sebastian trusted him and Jonathan was determined to be worthy of that trust.</p><p> </p><p>They stayed close for a couple of months. Jonathan half expected Sebastian to move on from him after a while, after he got bored of him, after he realized that Jonathan wasn’t the best company to have around, after he inevitably met better people to be friends with but Sebastian didn’t do any of that. Every morning, he was happy to talk to Jonathan, even if Jonathan himself was having a particularly bad day.</p><p>He never even blinked in the face of Jonathan’s bad days. He just took it all in stride, as if he honestly didn’t care if Jonathan snapped at him for something that on a different day would be completely fine. No matter how often Jonathan’s bad days came, Sebastian never showed any signs of wanting to leave him. He never stopped talking to him. He never stopped being just as enthusiastic as he always was to see him in the morning.</p><p>That all led to the week before they were leaving for the summer. The Academy didn’t give them real vacations, like mundane schools did but every year they had a period of a couple of months where they’d go to an Institute of their choice to work in the field. High level students closer to graduating, like Sebastian and Jonathan, helped on missions. Lower level students went to observe the more mundane side of what the Institutes did.</p><p>Jonathan was entirely planning on going to the Serbian Institute, like he did every year. No one went to the Serbian Institute and that’s why Jonathan liked it. It was cold and isolated. It had only a handful of people ever and for the months that Jonathan was there, he was mostly left to his own devices, just the way he liked it.</p><p>But this year wasn’t like all the other years. This year, he had Sebastian and when Sebastian asked what his plans were and Jonathan explained, Sebastian made a face. “You really want to go so far away, all by yourself?” He asked, frowning intensely.</p><p>At the question, Jonathan paused. He had been planning on doing just that but looking at Sebastian’s displeased face made him question himself. “What else would I do?” Jonathan asked slowly.</p><p>Instantly, Sebastian shrugged. “Well, I always go to California. The weather is nice. They have a lot of demon activity, so they can always use help. I’ve never gone and <em>not</em> gotten to kill a demon and-” Sebastian shrugged again, hesitating for just a second before he continued speaking. “You could stay with me too. I think it would be fun going together.”</p><p>Jonathan thought about it for a moment. Yet again, he found himself surprised by Sebastian. Sebastian liked him. He’d come to accept that but still, the thought of Sebastian liking him enough to not want them to be separated for a few months surprised him, even if he probably should have seen it coming.</p><p>“You’d want to spend that much time with me?” Jonathan asked slowly.</p><p>For a second, Sebastian paused, looking surprised he’d even asked. “Of course, I would. We see each other everyday. It would be weird not to see you for months. I’d miss you.”</p><p>Slowly, Jonathan nodded. “Okay,” he whispered. “I’ll switch then.”</p><p>Instantly, Sebastian grinned and Jonathan felt something inside him melt at the knowledge that <em>he’d</em> made that look appear on his face.</p><p>The next week, he went to California with Sebastian.</p><p> </p><p>Jonathan has assumed he and Sebastian would be taking their own rooms. Sure, he knew that there were double rooms in most Institutes but he and Sebastian had never lived in the same space before. He’d just assumed that even in a new building, that trend would continue but when they’d actually arrived, Sebastian had led him down the hallway with all of the empty rooms and then, he’d ducked into a room with two beds.</p><p>If Sebastian knew that Jonathan was surprised, he didn’t show it. He just smiled when Jonathan slowly put his stuff down and after a moment, he promised that he wasn’t a bad person to live with.</p><p>Now, that wasn’t quite Jonathan’s concern. If anything, he was worried that <em>he</em> wasn’t a good person to live with. He was worried that being around someone so often, he’d get irritated and he’d snap more often than he already did but Sebastian knew what he was like. He knew that his temper around other people wasn’t always something he kept a handle on and so far, Sebastian had never minded.</p><p>Jonathan just had to believe that he wouldn’t mind now and that he wouldn’t have proposed this all on his own if he wasn’t sure he wanted them to live together and truthfully, the thought of living with Sebastian didn’t seem all that bad. Which was… odd, considering that Jonathan had never once in his life wanted to live so closely with someone.</p><p>There was just something about Sebastian that seemed to go against everything else Jonathan had ever known. He was special. He made Jonathan feel unlike anyone else ever had. Jonathan wished he knew how to tell him that.</p><p> </p><p>California wasn’t quite Jonathan’s cup of tea. There were too many people, both inside the Institute and outside of it. There were always shadowhunters in the hallways and every common area you walked into. Outside, you could barely get away from all the mundane. It was all too much and annoying at that but he and Sebastian did get to go on way more missions than Jonathan had ever been on. It seemed like there were always demons popping up somewhere and if they were bored, all they had to do was wander down to the lobby and wait around. Low and behold, a demon would pop up but they’d have something to do again.</p><p>Now, that was a lot of fun. Jonathan loved killing demons. He knew every shadowhunter did but he specifically loved it more than he thought he should. When he was fighting demons, he felt alive. He felt every screaming thought that was normally roaring through his head quiet, so he could just focus on something he loved doing - killing.</p><p>He knew that no one would blink an eye if he said this to them. He was a shadowhunter. It was his job to fight demons. Of course, he’d like it but Jonathan knew that wasn’t quite the whole truth. Jonathan loved fighting demons because it scratched an itch that rested inside of him everyday, yelling at him to lash out, telling him just how easily he could put a stop to every annoying person who dared to get in his way.</p><p>He didn’t like killing demons. He’d liked killing and it was convenient that he got to kill demons. Jonathan wondered what Sebastian would say to him if he told him that and then, he knew that he couldn’t. It was one thing to accept that Jonathan snapped easily. It was another to accept that Jonathan sometimes felt like he could snap and kill someone.</p><p>Not that he <em>would</em>. That would be wrong. He’d get in trouble. He wouldn’t do it but that was just another reason he couldn’t tell anyone. No one would really believe him, no matter how many times he tried to tell them that he wouldn’t hurt someone, even if he wanted to.</p><p>Sebastian had been accepting of a lot but Jonathan didn’t imagine anyone would take that well.</p><p> </p><p>Fighting demons, though Jonathan loved it, came along with something a little less pleasant that Jonathan hadn’t really expected. It came along with worry, which really wasn’t something Jonathan had experienced very much in his life. If he could go fight demons alone, that would be wonderful but Sebastian always wanted to go with him and when Sebastian was there, Jonathan found himself constantly glancing over his shoulder, checking on him, watching where he was and trying to make sure he didn’t get caught under a stray claw he hadn’t seen coming.</p><p>Sebastian thought it was cute the way Jonathan worried.</p><p>Jonathan thought it was irritating. Sebastian was a shadowhunter, just like him. He was fine. He could fight demons and yet, Jonathan worried about him. He wasn’t really sure what that was about but it did make him a little happy how cute Sebastian seemed to find it.</p><p>He supposed it was okay, if Sebastian liked it.</p><p> </p><p>Living together also came with the strange experience of getting close to someone. Of course, they’d been close before but living with someone came with a closeness that Jonathan wasn’t used to. Sebastian would bring Jonathan food in the morning, if he woke up first. Jonathan would go get them coffee, if he woke up first.</p><p>Instead of having to plan time to spend together and seeing each other for a few hours everyday, they were simply together in nearly all of their down time and even when they were working, more often than not they went on missions together. They’d fill out their paperwork together (though, Sebastian normally filled out the paperwork for them both while Jonathan hung around and waited). They even trained together and besides going to the bathroom, there wasn’t a moment in their average day that they were apart.</p><p>The small touches from before, even the longer ones like when Sebastian would rest his head on Jonathan’s shoulder, became a bit more intense when they were so close all the time. Jonathan would find them both curled on the same bed, watching some mundane movie that Jonathan had never once been interested in watching, feeling Sebastian’s body press into his as they crammed close together to look at the laptop screen that Sebastian had somehow acquired.</p><p>Sebastian was <em>interested</em> in mundane things. Jonathan really couldn’t care less but he watched the movies anyway because Sebastian thought he’d like them and truthfully, it wasn’t the worst thing in the world to curl against Sebastian for a few hours, under the thinly veiled excuse that they were watching something together.</p><p>Sometimes, they’d fall asleep like that and waking up in the morning pressed into Sebastian’s side also wasn’t a horrible experience but still, Jonathan found himself honestly surprised when things went on like that for a few weeks and then, Sebastian asked him if he’d ever thought about dating anyone.</p><p>Jonathan hadn’t and if he was being honest, he’d been a little taken back by the sudden change in conversation. The first thing Jonathan had thought when Sebastian asked was, who would ever want to date him? And anyway, who would he possibly want to date?</p><p>His answer was inevitably, “No.”</p><p>For a moment, Jonathan hadn’t understood the look that came over Sebastian’s face but before he could try to analyze it, it was gone. “Oh,” he said simply. “Don’t like that kind of stuff?” He probed, laughing softly as if it were a joke, though Jonathan seemed to get the vibe that he found it anything but funny.</p><p>Jonathan frowned. He felt suddenly like he was misunderstanding the conversation they were having but he wasn’t sure how. Sometimes, he didn’t quite understand what people meant with the things they said. Jonathan preferred it when people just said what they meant and normally, he could rely on Sebastian to do that. Until now, apparently.</p><p>“Who would want to date me?” Jonathan asked at last.</p><p>He’d expected Sebastian to laugh but instead, he remained entirely silent. Still though, Jonathan didn’t understand, until that silent moment stretched on entirely too long and it finally started to dawn on him.</p><p>“Someone might,” Sebastian mumbled at last. He looked up at him as he frowned, offering a soft shrug. Sebastian had always been light hearted. He’d always been confident and he’d always been quietly assured of what he said but now, Jonathan saw him in a way that he never had before. He saw him looking nervous, his eyes flickering away before they could meet Jonathan's.</p><p>Jonathan stared at him for far too long before he finally snapped, “You mean you?” It was crass the way he said it. Rude even, as he often was. Sebastian had never once seemed bothered by the way Jonathan spoke. Except this time, he did. This time, Jonathan had seemed to manage to upset him.</p><p>“It’s nothing,” he said finally. “It’s alright if you don’t feel the same, just-“ Sebastian’s eyes were locked down to his lap. Jonathan could see that he was twisting his hands nervously. “Just, don’t leave because I like you,” he mumbled finally.</p><p>For a moment, Jonathan couldn’t even speak. He didn’t know how to process what he was hearing. He didn’t even know how to start. Finally, he managed to spit out, “Why do you like me so much?” He said it with enough force that Sebastian looked up at him instantly, his eyes wide.</p><p>“What?” He asked.</p><p>Jonathan shook his head in disbelief. “People don’t <em>like</em> me.” He snapped finally. “I don’t like people. How can you stand to be around me so much? Why don’t you get sick of me? How can you possibly think you’d want to date me?”</p><p>Sebastian frowned, curling in on himself a little further. “I told you that I liked you before,” he tried at last but Jonathan cut him off before he could continue.</p><p>“I know. Why?” Jonathan demanded, finally forcing out the question that he’d been thinking since the day he and Sebastian met. “I’ve never understood why. It doesn’t make any sense. You’re nice. You’re pretty. Anyone would be happy to be friends with you. People have tried. Why would you possibly choose me over everyone else?”</p><p>Slowly, Sebastian looked up at him. “You think so lowly of yourself,” he murmured finally, ignoring the questions entirely.</p><p>Jonathan laughed softly but it was a humorless bitter sound. “For good reason. I know who I am. I know why people don’t like me. <em>I</em> don’t even like me.”</p><p>Sebastian frowned as he took in Jonathan’s words. “Well, I like you. You’re not-” He waved his hand, seeming uncharacteristically to struggle to come up with the words to express himself. “-like everyone thinks you are.”</p><p>“Yes, I am,” Jonathan insisted instantly. “I’m rude. I’m temperamental. I snap at people. I have urges that I can barely control and sometimes, I think I’d be a serial killer if I thought I could get away with it without being caught. I’m fucked up. No one likes me. Edom fucked me up and you just-” Jonathan cut himself off, so frustrated that he could hardly continue. It just didn’t make any sense. Sebastian didn't make any sense. He never had.</p><p>“But you haven’t,” Sebastian said softly.</p><p>Jonathan looked up, a confused expression coming across his face. “What?”</p><p>“You <em>haven’t</em> killed anyone. You haven’t even hurt anyone, not really, not someone who didn’t deserve it. You think Edom tainted you. You think having demon blood makes you a horrible person but you’ve never acted on any of it.” Sebastian smiled softly, hesitantly. “That’s what a good person does,” he murmured. “If you were really your urges, you’d have acted on all of them and you’d have never held back but you don’t. You stop yourself.”</p><p>Sebastian looked away, offering another soft shrug. “Most people are good so easily but you have to try to be everyday. That’s why I like you. A lot of people in your position wouldn’t try.”</p><p>For a moment, Jonathan couldn’t even speak. He didn’t know what to say. No one had ever said anything like that to Jonathan before. No one had ever told him that he was <em>good</em>, not even once in his entire life and most certainly no one had ever liked him because of it.</p><p>Jonathan shook his head, his eyes falling down to his hands. He didn’t even know how to begin to process something like that. He couldn’t even comprehend that Sebastian honestly thought of him that way. Jonathan certainly didn’t agree and for a moment, he was overwhelmed with how pure Sebastian was.</p><p>Jonathan thought it must take a very good person to ever consider him a good person.</p><p>He didn’t even realize that there was a tear falling down his cheeks until Sebastian must have seen it. He moved forward, wrapping his arms gently around Jonathan’s arm, his head coming to rest on Jonathan’s shoulder.</p><p>“I wish you could see yourself the way I do,” Sebastian murmured finally.</p><p>After a moment of silence, Jonathan responded, “Me too.”</p><p>Neither of them spoke for a long time and when they finally did again, neither of them seemed like they were in the mood to continue a serious conversation. They simply curled into Sebastian’s bed under the blankets clutching each other close and each pretending that they were asleep and not laying in bed, awake, thinking.</p><p> </p><p>Surprisingly, it was Jonathan that brought it up again. The next morning as they got ready to go out on a small mission, Jonathan found himself unable to stay quiet. He’d thought about what Sebastian said all night. He had never thought about dating anyone before. He’d never even considered it but now, he had and the conclusion that he came to surprised even him.</p><p>“I thought about it,” Jonathan announced unprompted.</p><p>Sebastian froze where he was in the middle of buckling his weapons belt, slowly turning to look at Jonathan. “About what?” He asked slowly.</p><p>Jonathan’s expression tightened into a glare. He’d been hoping Sebastian would understand what he meant instead of making him say it. “About what you said last night,” Jonathan snapped after a moment. Jonathan threw a hand up, waving Sebastian off as if it would downplay the seriousness of what he was trying to say.</p><p>He’d never been good at talking about his feelings. He’d never been comfortable with it and this was no different. Jonathan thought that he should have just given Sebastian a note to read while Jonathan was conveniently out of the room but it was already too late to do that. Sebastian was already looking at him.</p><p>“About dating,” Jonathan said, looking away suddenly and refusing to look back. “If you still want to and you haven’t realized I’m a horrible candidate for that, then we can-” Jonathan trailed off, waving his hand in another vague motion. “-we can do that.”</p><p>For a still moment, Sebastian didn’t move and then all of a sudden he was walking forward, his hand falling gently across Jonathan’s shoulder.</p><p>Jonathan turned to look at him, his entire body tense. They made eye contact and then, Sebastian smiled a brilliant adorable smile. He ducked in and pressed his lips gently against Jonathan’s scarred cheek before he was suddenly turning away, moving to grab his weapons again.</p><p>“Okay,” he said simply.</p><p>Jonathan stood frozen for a far too long moment, his cheeks blazing in a deep red that he was thankful Sebastian didn’t turn around to see. Jonathan still didn’t understand how Sebastian possibly saw him the way he did. He didn’t understand how anyone could possibly see him that way but Sebastian did apparently and until Jonathan inevitably fucked it up, he decided that he was going to let himself enjoy it.</p><p>Someone as wonderful as Sebastian wanted to date him and Jonathan didn’t think he’d ever understand how he deserved that but he was going to try to be worth it. It was all he could do in return for everything Sebastian had done for him.</p><p>He was not a good person but he was going to try his best to be a good boyfriend, however he possibly could. It was all he had to offer.</p>
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